Yankee-Doodles

I recently was afflicted with a massive craving for a Yankee-Doodle, but I have absolutely no idea what that is! What is a Yankee-Doodle and where can I get one? —Rebel Roy

Hopefully you have gotten over it by now, but if you are still suffering, first consider that "Yankee Doodle" refers both to a dessert and a cocktail, and taken together the results can be fatal. We politely suggest you turn back now before it is too late. Just say no. Why do you think they called it a "Yankee Doodle?"

The dessert was invented in 1777 for the first birthday of our great nation as a chocolate devil's food cake with a frosted design on the outside that resembled a series of number sevens. Today, however, the Yankee-Doodle can most easily be found in your grocery store's Hostess snack display, though why you would choose Yankee-Doodles over the more popular Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, Twinkies, Donettes, Suzy Q's, or Sno Balls would be as big of a mystery as why Hostess Cup Cakes, which sport the signature frosting "doodle" are called “Cup Cakes”, while Yankee Doodles, with no doodle whatsoever, and no number seven, are called “Yankee Doodles.” In fact, the mystery deepens when you peruse the Hostess Cakes website, which doesn't list Yankee Doodles at all among the products! Yet there they were on the shelf of the store our research operatives recently visited. Could it be that this particular store (SuperFoodTown) merely is selling off its old Yankee Doodles from a previous era? It has been proven that Twinkies will last unrefrigerated for thousands of years, so why not Yankee Doodles? Most likely the wise course of action would be to buy the entire stock and sell the vintage snacks on eBay.

The Yankee Doodle cocktail is a much simpler story. Invented during Prohibition as an attempt to make palatable harsh and often toxic "bathtub" gin, the Yankee Doodle was famous for being the first drink of many lifetime abstainers whose introduction to the world of spirits was the negative, sometimes vomit inducing reaction to this sickly, curdled, pungent imbibement. The recipe calls for a shot of gin, a quarter ounce of each cream and lemon juice, and an additional quarter ounce of Crème Yvette, a distinctive floral flavored aperitif now taken off the market for inducing lascivious behavior. The overpowering violet flavor and aroma of this liqueur can be recreated by pulverizing several C. Howard's violet candies and dissolving them in pure grain alcohol. Anyone who has ever mixed milk or cream with lemon juice knows that the cream instantly curdles into a disgusting cloud of inconsolable solids and liquids. Perhaps that is the point of this drink, after all: to be as repulsive visually as it is to the taste. If you really must experience the Yankee Doodle, we suggest you enlist the services of a seasoned bartender who can flip the bottles in the air and juggle the glasses while making it; it doesn't make it any easier to consume, but the ridiculousness of the proceedings might take your mind off of it.

Or you could just piss in a Dixie cup and call it macaroni.

*Please note: this article has multiple issues. It may need to be cleaned up or deleted altogether.